Too often, churches and communities pressure women in abusive relationships to forgive quickly, return quietly, and “fix” what was never theirs to repair. They are told to accept apologies dressed in tears, public displays, or even expensive gifts. But the Word of God calls us to look deeper than appearances.

Fruit, Not Performances

John the Baptist warned in Matthew 3:8 and Luke 3:8:
“Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.”

This means real change is not proven by dramatic words or crying at the altar. It is proven by actions. An abuser who truly repents does not simply cry or promise—they change their behavior. They no longer harm. They take responsibility. They bear fruit that matches their words.

Repentance Is Demonstrated by Deeds

The Apostle Paul said in Acts 26:20:
“Repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds.”

A Survivor should never be asked to risk her safety or dignity on the basis of apologies or empty gestures. Deeds speak louder than words. It is not her job to test whether his tears are real. It is his responsibility to prove, through consistent action, that change has taken place.

Esau’s Tears

Hebrews 12:17 reminds us of Esau:
“When he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.”

This scripture warns us: not every display of sorrow reflects true repentance. Tears may be real, but they are not the same as transformation.

Why This Matters in Domestic Violence

When women are told to forgive quickly or to “fix the marriage” at all costs, we place them in danger. Forgiveness does not erase abuse. Gifts do not heal wounds. Public apologies do not guarantee safety.

True repentance requires:

Stopping the harm.
Taking accountability without excuses.
Seeking help, treatment, and accountability structures.
Respecting boundaries and safety plans.

Anything less is performance.

A Call to the Church

We must stop encouraging women to do the labor of forgiving or reconciling without evidence of change. Their safety and healing come first. Our calling is not to send them back into danger, but to surround them with protection, support, and hope in Christ.

Let us honor God by demanding fruit, not performances. Because real love does not ask women to fix what they did not break.

Church Leader’s Checklist: Repentance and Domestic Violence

When abuse is revealed in your congregation, remember: the Bible calls us to look for fruit, not performances. Tears, gifts, or public apologies are not proof of change. Scripture makes this clear:

Matthew 3:8 / Luke 3:8 – “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.”
Acts 26:20 – “Demonstrate repentance by their deeds.”
Hebrews 12:17 – “He sought the blessing with tears, but he could not change what he had done.”

✅ What Leaders Might Look For

Repentance in cases of abuse must include:

Stopping the harm completely.
Taking responsibility without excuses or blaming.
Seeking professional help and ongoing accountability.
Respecting safety plans and boundaries set by the Survivor.

🚫 What Does Not Equal Repentance

Tears, emotions, or crying at the altar.
Public displays of sorrow or extravagant gifts.
Pressure on the woman to “forgive quickly” or “save the marriage.”
Empty promises without visible change.

✅ Safe Choices for Leaders

Believe her testimony: she knows this side of him.
Prioritize her safety and the safety of children.
Provide hotline numbers in visible places (bulletins, bathrooms, websites).
Connect her with trusted counselors or therapists.
Offer consistent, ongoing support without pushing her back into danger.

🚫 What Leaders Might Avoid

Do not pressure her to forgive or reconcile before safety and change are proven.
Do not suggest that her faith is lacking if she refuses to return.
Do not center the abuser’s reputation over her protection.

Bottom Line:
True repentance is demonstrated by actions, not emotions. Women should never be asked to carry the burden of fixing what they did not break. That is dangerous and potentially fatal. As leaders, our calling is to protect, support, and walk with them in safety and dignity.